10. He Dresses Well and Spends a Lot of
Time Getting Ready.
We all know that only gay men do this because
straight men are not allowed to care about how they look. Obviously. If straight men are allowed to care about their appearance or give more than a
moment’s thought to fashion, grooming or their hair, then every single commercial airing on ESPN has been lying to us. And advertisers never lie. The rule of thumb is: if he spends over 15 minutes in the
washroom getting ready and over 10 minutes taking
a “quick” shower, you really need to reevaluate your
relationship with him.
9. He Has Effeminate Taste in Movies.
If he’s not turned off by movies that deal with feelings and complicated concepts or if he’s willing to watch, say, “Frozen” or “Memento” when he could be watching “The Fast and the Furious” or, better yet, porn, something’s not right. Straight men don’t like to have complex thoughts…it gets in the way of following sports and clogs up the space in their brains that should be filled with facts about World War II. If he will watch something in a language other than English, he’s not just gay he’s unpatriotic and if he’ll watch a Woody Allen movie he may also be Jewish. (Add 3 points to your score in either case.)
8. He has Feelings.
When you seem sad or upset, does your boyfriend
ask you what’s wrong (add 1 point)? Or even how he
can help (add 6 points)? Both are clear signals that
you may have a queen on your hands. Straight men
are supposed to be completely clueless about your
unpredictable emotions and will become
overwhelmed and frustrated when you express them. It says so in Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Compassion and warmth = twink.
7. He Doesn’t Make You Feel Bad About Yourself.
Any man who doesn’t derive pleasure and
self esteem from making the woman he loves
feel badly about herself isn’t worth knowing.
And must be queer. (Add about 100 points.)
6. He’s into Art.
If he enjoys museums, galleries or has any kind of
creativity, he’s either gay or European. Add 12 points.
5. He’s Not Interested in Religion.
One sure-fire way to tell if your boyfriend is gay: join a religious congregation that dwells obsessively on sex, particularly homosexual sex. If, after a few visits to your new place of worship, your boyfriend starts making excuses for why he can’t come with you, well, there you go. He’s gay. Or has a conscience….which is also a clear sign of homosexuality.
4. He Uses the Word “Fabulous” Instead of “Good”.
Enthusiasm about anything is extremely unmanly.
Add a half a point for each time you’ve heard him say “fabulous.” Other words to watch out for, “love” (add 1 point unless you think he’s lying just to get you to shut up, in which case subtract 5 points),
“sweet” (unless he’s talking about something that just happened during a hockey game) or “Mary” (unless that’s your name).
3. His Home is Clean and Well Decorated.
Sensitivity to one’s surroundings, interest in design
and having taste are extremely suspect. Straight men tend to like to live in abject squalor surrounded by empty beer cans and back issues of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Add 3 points for each piece of mid-century modern furniture your boyfriend owns. If he lives in anything resembling aNY loft, adds 2 points. If he lives in an ACTUAL NY loft, stop taking this quiz right now and go get yourself an OK Cupid profile.
Time Getting Ready.
We all know that only gay men do this because
straight men are not allowed to care about how they look. Obviously. If straight men are allowed to care about their appearance or give more than a
moment’s thought to fashion, grooming or their hair, then every single commercial airing on ESPN has been lying to us. And advertisers never lie. The rule of thumb is: if he spends over 15 minutes in the
washroom getting ready and over 10 minutes taking
a “quick” shower, you really need to reevaluate your
relationship with him.
9. He Has Effeminate Taste in Movies.
If he’s not turned off by movies that deal with feelings and complicated concepts or if he’s willing to watch, say, “Frozen” or “Memento” when he could be watching “The Fast and the Furious” or, better yet, porn, something’s not right. Straight men don’t like to have complex thoughts…it gets in the way of following sports and clogs up the space in their brains that should be filled with facts about World War II. If he will watch something in a language other than English, he’s not just gay he’s unpatriotic and if he’ll watch a Woody Allen movie he may also be Jewish. (Add 3 points to your score in either case.)
8. He has Feelings.
When you seem sad or upset, does your boyfriend
ask you what’s wrong (add 1 point)? Or even how he
can help (add 6 points)? Both are clear signals that
you may have a queen on your hands. Straight men
are supposed to be completely clueless about your
unpredictable emotions and will become
overwhelmed and frustrated when you express them. It says so in Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Compassion and warmth = twink.
7. He Doesn’t Make You Feel Bad About Yourself.
Any man who doesn’t derive pleasure and
self esteem from making the woman he loves
feel badly about herself isn’t worth knowing.
And must be queer. (Add about 100 points.)
6. He’s into Art.
If he enjoys museums, galleries or has any kind of
creativity, he’s either gay or European. Add 12 points.
5. He’s Not Interested in Religion.
One sure-fire way to tell if your boyfriend is gay: join a religious congregation that dwells obsessively on sex, particularly homosexual sex. If, after a few visits to your new place of worship, your boyfriend starts making excuses for why he can’t come with you, well, there you go. He’s gay. Or has a conscience….which is also a clear sign of homosexuality.
4. He Uses the Word “Fabulous” Instead of “Good”.
Enthusiasm about anything is extremely unmanly.
Add a half a point for each time you’ve heard him say “fabulous.” Other words to watch out for, “love” (add 1 point unless you think he’s lying just to get you to shut up, in which case subtract 5 points),
“sweet” (unless he’s talking about something that just happened during a hockey game) or “Mary” (unless that’s your name).
3. His Home is Clean and Well Decorated.
Sensitivity to one’s surroundings, interest in design
and having taste are extremely suspect. Straight men tend to like to live in abject squalor surrounded by empty beer cans and back issues of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Add 3 points for each piece of mid-century modern furniture your boyfriend owns. If he lives in anything resembling aNY loft, adds 2 points. If he lives in an ACTUAL NY loft, stop taking this quiz right now and go get yourself an OK Cupid profile.
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